Catchy and confusing title I know. If there are any critics reading this they are probably saying in their head: "Who died and made Faith a judge of the right man to be married to?" Or those who just read things as black and white as they see them would ask: "Is it not the man who marries the woman and not vice versa? LOL!" Calm down and get off your high horse and read this note further for clarity of the title.
I wanted to say "Well I did not write this for the critics, or Miss "KnowBetters" but then I am not here to sound sarcastic. I am here to do the work of God the best way I know how and hopefully letting Him be the one who speaks through my writing.
Most women hope to meet Mr. Right, a Mr. God-Fearing-Man who will love them enough to give them their last name and build a future together in a union blessed by God. I am writing this to advice or warn those hopeful wives-to-be on how to know the right man from the wrong or the Potential Priest from the Potential Mistake. Someone once responded on my Facebook post and asked: "How do you know so much about men?" Well it took only two men in my life before Christ to get the summary of how (wrong) men think or behave. These are relationships that lasted; one was six years and the other one, two years. And well after these failed relationships I went on a few dates with Potential Priests (which at that time I didn't know my worth I overlooked them) and Potential Mistakes. Ok well this article is not about my relationships but about your future. You are welcome to read further which I believe might help you in making the right decisions or stop here and continue wasting your time, airtime and petrol to meet up with the sweet talkers who might lead you to mistakes.
OK, my sister, being approached or asked out by a man does not require you to be a bombshell. Just being a woman will definitely attract suitors or chancers in your life because you have what they don't. Let me not go there. However, being a bombshell (all made up and looking like you are from some fake reality show looking almost like the Kardashians) will attract all kinds of men and a few ( seriously FEW) Potential Priestly husbands. I am not saying you must not look good but rather look at what your clothes are communicating.
(For those with lack of Christian jargon let me explain a Potential Priest or Priestly Husband: As according to God's word husbands are supposed to be the priests of their households {see Ephesians 5:22,23 and 1 Timothy 2:11-14}. So relax, I am not implying you should consider getting married to a priest or pastor.)
So in other words, going back to attracting men: I am saying that you will meet men who will be interested in knowing you for what ever reasons they have.
Since, you are continuing to read this I am going to address you as a woman who is hoping to get married sooner or later. Uhmm...there is no sin in having that desire. If you are in Christ and it is in your heart and it is not lustful, it is God-given (refer to Psalm 37:4).
The Potential Mistake 1
It does not matter where you meet him, whether it is church or someone hooked you up (eish there comes a time when you seem so invisible that friends hook you up. My aunt was hooked up with her priest and they are both pastors of their church 14 years still. So hook ups can work.). Chances are you already believe he is the Potential Priest. Then comes "The Talk" about marriage but in real it is about SEX. My sister, if you are the one to reveal or explain to him why sex out of marriage is sin: RUN!!!! This man needs to find Jesus who will teach him. Not you! If you decide to be the No-Sex-Before-Marriage counselor for a man who is not your sibling, you will slip, fall and find yourself panting in his nakedness and yours. Men are mentally and spiritually stronger and influential than women (see 1 Peter 3:7). A man can wait months dating you, saying the right things and even have the guts to pray with you just to eventually take off your garments one by one. Some even go as far as buying the ring. Do not even be fooled by the bling. Your treasure costs more than those stones on that gold or whatever it is. If he tells you anything that violates the word of God about sexual purity....I repeat: RUN!!!! This shows what occupies his mind most of the time.
It is not that we are all so holy as if sex never crosses our minds but if it makes part of your conversations with him as in "It's ok to do it before marriage." instead of "How can we maintain our purity together" as a mutual dialogue then sisters you are on the wrong train to nowhere. If you stay, and you slip and end doing it two possibilities will occur.
One: He will stick around provided you will continue to feed his physical needs. Sadly for us women, once a man has gotten a piece of us, we are totally hooked. That is how we were created. We become one flesh with them (Genesis 2:24, Mark 10:8 , 1 Corinthians 6:16) and sadly this totally clouds the woman's thinking. Since now this is not a blessed union (not a marriage) you will slowly detach from God. This is what is called Soul Ties. The man will stay as long as he pleases until he meets another concubine or a Potential Virtuous woman whom he will marry and leave you in a broken state.
Two: He will leave you. If he is supposingly a Christian (or wannabe Christian) he will make you feel like a harlot, Jezebel or Delilah. He will blame you for his "fall". Or if he is not that ruthless to that degree he will slowly fade out of your life either by: all of a sudden he is caught up in work or studies or family matters. Or he will start a sob story of how he is not good enough for you. You being concerned about your potential husband, will waste your airtime calling him to comfort him or send scriptures. You will even answer to altar calls for prayer requests asking for prayers for your potential marriage.
Hey! Sister! Wake up! He's gone! Pray for your own healing. Restore your relationship with God who will never leave you nor forsake you. God is a God of many chances (Psalm 37:23-24). Do not beat yourself down and think you are not worthy of God's forgiveness. If you don't pray and cleanse yourself of this misfortune and break the soul tie you will find yourself in a repitition of these kinds of relationships and wonder two to five years later why are you not married. (Advice: Order yourself this DVD "No More Sheets" by Juanita Bynum. I got mine at Cum Books. They can order it for you if they do not have it).
In some instances, pregnancy occurs however way people claim it happened (condom broke) and a child comes into existence of a relationship that was not even a month old but he does not marry you. Need I go further? Rather make your own conclusions. Ok maybe eventually he marries you with or without the baby. Mhhhh...How is that foundation for a lifetime marriage? How many veld fires to put out in future?
The Potential Mistake 2
He is in many ways like Potential Mistake 1. Where and how you meet him is just like 1. Most of the time the "where" and "how we meet" them gives us the idea "He could be the one." Adding to his list of what makes him "The one" is that he can quote scriptures, pray in tongues and unashamedly pray for your meal in a public restuarant/eating place, holding your hands.
Warning: He makes remarks about you looking sexy. How he likes the way your dress or pants shape your form. How your cleavage should be seen. Woman, we were created to be complimented (flesh of my flesh...) so some compliments can lead us to our fall. If they come from someone we allowed in our private space (I am not referring to nakedness or sex but relation) they sound appropriate and most even influential. These compliments end up shaping our shopping preferences. You unconsciously or maybe consciously start buying and wearing skin tight or skin-meant-to-be-covered-revealing garments. What makes it seem ok to you? The fact that he speaks but not touch you and the fact that he has never spoken about sex.
Woman, men are hunters. As much as they know how to trap their prey and catch it, they know how to entice and influence a woman to think herself into ending up where he wants her. The extra tight pants/skirts, the cleavage/thigh-revealing clothes end up creating a magnetic force for his hands and fingers. You on the other hand, having lost your reservations about your supposed-to-be-covered bits will feel like it is the same as him touching your hands until you end up too far. He might not go too far the first time. Men are more cleverer and sneakier than we think. They don't mind waiting for the right moment. For us women, sweetheart we can easily be weakened and blinded out of focus. The reason why Joseph ran out the moment Potiphar's wife grabbed his cloak he knew he will not withstand the touch of her hands on his skin. So woman be wise like Joseph and run from having a relationship with a man whose compliments to you are "Sexy", "You ooze of sex appeal", "hot", "Yummy Mummy".
The Potential Mistake 3
Mr. "I drink occassionaly" or "I drink wine as an appetizer": This man will use the excuse that Christ turned water to wine so it is not a sin to drink alcohol/ wine. You might not have met him at Newscafe or a club since you are a reformed church-goer so you probably met him after a powerful church service or at one of those single ministry events. He can either give you so much educated information about how beer or wine is fermented, give you all the names of wines from Chardonay, Cabernet Sauvignon to Merlot and when and how they are sipped. Sister! Hey! There is nothing wise or intelligent or romantic about that knowledge. A man who knows is his alcohol is an educated alcoholic. Even the one who drinks the same beer brand is just as bad. Do you know that alcohol kills brain cells but your educated drinking date will give you his googled research that only excessive drinking kills brain cells. But for you own sanity, let us hear what scripture says about alcohol:
Ephesians 5:18 "Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to reckless indiscretion. Instead, be filled with the Spirit." ( See also Proverbs 23:30-31, Ecclesiastes 10:16-17)
If he says he does not drink to get drunk or does not get drunk he might have reached his threshold of not getting drunk. You will only hear from the things he starts saying if you are not drunk yourself by his educated drunkeness. Well I do not understand why would you still be in his company on his second drink. Sister, daughter of God, excuse yourself off to the ladies room and not return. Do not be confused by the huge tip for the waiter. He tips as much as he is drunk probably.
Do you want me to give you the disadvantage of a man who still drinks alcohol? OK, firstly: Disclaimer: These statements are not meant to judge anyone trying to overcome drinking alcohol as we are all still being made and perfected by God for His glory. We are all overcomers of things that entangled us in life but people must first be free of their entanglements before they entangle others in their entangled mess."
Ok, I said alcohol kills brain cells. To put it better, it clouds one's judgement. If the word of God warns against drinking alcohol/wine/spirits it shows there are dangers in it. If a person can overlook God's warning about one or two scriptures what about the other scriptures like "Thou shall not fornicate." As much or possible it is for alcohol (excessive apparently) to lead to impotence (No sister grab your dictionary) or kill sperms, it does increase lustful physical desires. He could offer you a taste, a sip amd maybe a glass of wine. Girl!!!! Red wine or just alcohol can awaken the lower members that you constantly slay in prayer. How do you think people wake up finding themselves in bed with people they never intended to or end up in with, what they call "one night stands" (I know you know what that is. You were not born and raised on Mars)? How does alcohol always suffer the blame of: "I would not have done that if I was not drunk!" Like alcohol made them do it.
Ok, maybe he does not drink too much in your presence or even offer you what he is drinking or similar (another alcoholic drink) and he does not entice you to sleep with him but instead....(Yey! What you hoped hope for!) he marries you. Are you prepared to deal with the implications of his drinking? Are you prepared to wait late nights till morning waiting for him to return home and maybe come back only later the next day with stories like "I was too drunk or had more than the allowed amount to drive and slept at my friends." Are you okay with 30% or more of the budget going to liquor expenditure? And then what next? Manifestations of vocal and physical abuse? Why is it some alcoholic drinks are called spirits? If one drinks them do they not get possesed by these spirits? Think about this is if the Paul in the Bible says: "And do not get drunk with wine,
for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit," (Ephesians
5;18) do you not think alcohol(wine) would have the same but opposite
effects as the Spirit? Remember again the scriptures about becoming "one flesh", how safe are you from not ending up being a sipping saint yourself? Look not to other relationships of one spouse drinking alcohol and the other not drinking even after years of marriage. You are not created with same strengths or same grace.My advice: If you see a Potential Priest in this Sipping Saint, stay away from him until he is delivered from his sipping issues. Do not be his AA buddy. It is the same as converting a man yourself. It must be his own decision. I know of women who met their Potential Priests while they were still Sipping Saints and got transformed by the power of God. The journey was not easy and not short. And again your strengths and grace are not the same. A lot of Ghost-bursting had to take place. Unless you have over a year, two or five to wait while tripping and sliding and hoping he will still be there when you get up again.
PS. My father became an alcoholic some time after his marriage to my mom, became paraplegic after being hit by a car and became physically abusive to my mom and us until my mother divorced him. So this is another kind ofdisclaimer. So I am not judging anyone.
The Potential Mistake 3
This one is actually a Mr. Do-Not-Even-Date-Him. He has an idea there is God but has no connection whatsoever with Christ. Maybe he does go church that is just different from yours but when you start talking scriptures he calls you "Mamfundisi"( Pastor's wife). He might ask you why do you travel with a Bible or ask why do you have it on your phone? He will say you music collection (Gospel) is so boring. He criticizes Christians and calls them hypocrytes. Woman, if you are christian and someone criticizes your fellow Christian brothers and sisters that should scratch you the same way as anyone who criticizes your family member. If you can allow anyone to say all negative and nasty things about them you will just have become his victim. You will also start looking at Christians and Christianity with flesh eyes. You will start criticizing even your pastors. That, my sister is Assisted Spiritual Suicide. You will totally be disconnected from the Holy Spirit and what will then protect you from other sins? It is just the same as a man who is spiritually shorter, stunted or behind you where you are. All that he will do is pull you back spiritually. Rather as a woman, as a weaker vessel, you need a man who is spiritually mature than you. I won't quote the scripture again. Refer to the first mention of Potential Priest. I will not even say anything about a man who has connections or communications with the dead for the sake of people who think it is spiritually superior and sensitive balck consciousness. All I can say is "He who joins himself with...." so you choose who or what you become joint with.
The Potential Mistake 4
Mr. Selfmade-Millionnaire/Multimillionnare; He is all made up from head to toe with EXPENSIVE, drives EXPENSIVE, eats EXPENSIVE, tips EXPENSIVE and talks EXPENSIVE. No, no, no there is nothing wrong or sinful about EXPENSIVE or a wealthy man. There are many Wealthy Men who are truly and deeply rooted in Christ. The difference here is the "heart". Where is his heart? You can hear it in his conversations and his behaviour towards people. This man does not mind flying you out of your city to dine you in another city first class and back without even advancing to sleep with you or even attempt to kiss you. He will make you feel like a princess. He will take you sight-seeing. He does not even mind to pay for a vacation or spa day for you and your girlfriends. What makes him happy is knowing where you are. He will even freely give you his platinum card to go shopping (so he would know where you are). Which woman would say that's not the life I want? He is always out of the country or if he is not that wealthy but has money his always in business meetings or on business trips. When he speaks to you he speaks to you on speaker for his friends to hear you. He can even offer to throw you a Beach Birthday party because he can afford it. He will maybe even let you drive his sports cars. I am talking about a man who has not taken you to his bed. He sounds promising neh? The weird thing about this relationship is that he does not know much about you. He does not know what you like, what are your aspirations and the fact that you are still alive because of Christ in your life. You are not even able to open the Bible let alone quote a scripture when you are with him because he is intemidating in a way you cannot expalin. Girl, he is not interested in you. You start assuming that he is probably interested in knowing you in the future.
Ok, girl, are you assuming the Potential of a husband in a man is because he is not interested in sleeping with you? Are you assuming the fact that he spends so much money on you is because he is building a future with you? Whether he said it (he mentioned marriage but not marrying you) or has not said it should not cause you to waste your time with a collector if what you are hoping for is a man who will marry you. Why do I call him a collector? How many shoes, how many cars, how many houses, how many, just how many things does he have? The fact that he does not sleep with you is because he is very careful with his seed. Condoms are not that effective. Or he is careful with his reputation. Women now unashamedly publish stories of their sexapades (moments of foolisness) with wealthy men or polititicians. This man just likes you as much as he likes his car, or shoe or watch. You are just another collector's item in his life. He likes how you look: "Beautiful". You make him look good. It is either your physical beauty or your anointing (just like the effect of Joseph's anointing in Potiphar's life).
Woman tell me, do you even know who or what he worships? Do you know who or what is he in partnership with spiritually? Are you still dumbfounded by the perfume you cannot even spell or the taste of the foreign dish you ate? What are your values? What are you looking for in a marriage? Companionship and fellowship or a cold huge mansion that makes you feel like a priced posssession in a museum? Has he ever even told you how and where he started to being this financial giant? Or does he tell you a sob story of his poor upbringing that he HIMSELF got himself to where he is now? When you try to tell him your dreams does he make you feel the way Joseph's brothers made him feel when he told them about his dream? Collectors do not mind keeping some possessions for years but because we are human we age and to a collector your value depriciates, he will just loose interest which he never had in you.
Someone might say I am jealous as I am not in that relationship. No dear, once upon a time I dated a multimillionnaire. It took a month or more and just things he would say that made me make a decision that is not what I hope for. I am a romantic and love spending time with a man who loves me and speaks into my life. Not a man who will give me thousands of rands to spend and tell me it is more than what I get paid. I was not comfortable in my own skin around him. It was weird how he was received by others like he was a god wherever he was, and yes he criticized my aspirations so I became unavailable for him. And yes collectors will never run after you if you leave them. You become like that not-so-much-of-a-loss-investment as he has many other investments.
So woman, what is it worth for a man to gain the whole world but loose his soul (See Matthew 16;26)? Do you want such a cold relationship? You might loose your godly connection and loose your soul because you do not even know the source of this man's wealth.
Ok, I think I have said a lot about Potential Mistakes. These are not all of them. There is Mr-Put-The-Girl-Down, Mr. I-Want-A-Baby-Before-Marriage and many others you have probably met already. We all have our past, we all have been redeemed or detangled from what used to keep us from knowing God or be effective for Him. However He had to work on us first before we could be the downfall for others. I must now tell you about the Potential Priest but seeing that the Mistakes took me so long to write about and probably took you long to read aboutI will save that for the part 2 of "A Man Fit To Marry or Not To Marry".
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