TWO WORDS THAT CAN STRENGTHEN YOUR MARRIAGE

Two Words That Can Strengthen Your Marriage

We are still on words but this time we are not getting a detox but getting a boost. Words we must say to build our husbands and our marriages.

Thank you. The two most easiest words but most hardest to say. The two words which is actually only one word in some languages. Ngiyabonga, dankie (sounds better as "Baie dankie), tankie". We even teach them to our babies as part of their language development. These words can do so much good to our marriages if we use them regularly and in the right situations.

Poster taken from www.adamhamilton.org

How many times do you say "Thank you" to your husband? For instance, when he washes the dishes or just clears them? For putting the toilet seat down? For washing your car? For buying groceries, cooking supper sometimes, taking down the washing when you couldn’t? I can write a whole book mention the things you can thank him for.

I must admit, I learnt to say "Thank you"  even for the smallest gestures or doing what is naturally expected to be done by me from my husband. He thanks me for cleaning the house and even for saying goes something kind. The feeling I get when he thanks me has taught me to thank him as well. It is easy to get by and forget to be thankful so instead of keeping the "Thank you" to ourselves let us learn to say it to our husbands. When he does something he never does don't say something like: "Yoo what happened that you out of all people did this?" or "Did you wake up in a good mood today?" Just say "Thank you for...."

If you think you have nothing to thank him for, when did you last thank him for choosing you? For being a good father(even if you think he is not, remember the power of words)? For being kind to you? Beloved wife think of the positive things you can thank your husband for and go ahead and thank him. While you are at it, thank God as well because He by all means has an influence on the good things in your marriage.

"In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." 1 Thessalonians 5:18

The Words You Speak Becomes The House You Live In

You are probably looking forward to to reading today's topic looking forward to a different one from the words topic on words . I am sorry the great Doctor prescribed a repeat on this one because words have the greatest influence on life and the world we live in above anything else. Remember the earth and all that makes it beautiful were created just by God's spoken word and so now since we were created in His image He gave us the same power to create with our words.

What kind of home or marriage are you creating with your words? Are you continuously creating a warm, loving, kind, peaceful marriage and home or are you sometimes breaking the beautiful one and creating a hostile, unkind and cold marriage and home?

Proverbs 14:1 says: "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down."
Words are the main thing that build or tear down marriages, homes and people. It is not only what you do or don't do, because you might be doing all that is right like the Virtuous Woman of Proverbs 31 but if your tongue is not daily washed with the word of God but it daily or sometimes spews vile or shoots daggers at your husband you are actively destroying your marriage.

The poster or picture(which I found online) above says "The words you speak becomes the house you live in". If you continue to speak words that are unkind, condescending, judgemental, argumentative, whining, demeaning and disrespectful, your house will have a damaged roof, falling walls, unlockable doors through which all kinds of attacks can come through.

Remember the power of words. You might not be saying them to your husband but using negative words to describe him or your marriage to someone else. You are still doing the same destruction to your marriage. And what you say, becomes. What you speak you also act out then it unconsciouly shows in how you treat him.

Choose to rather speak the opposite about your husband or marriage and see the power God gave to you through your words. As it is written in  Romans 4:17 (last part of the verse): "...the God who gives life to the dead and calls into being things that were not."

Remember Your Vows

Words... they can build or tear down. Words is what we use in the beginning of the journey of our marriages. These words are called vows. Words are what we use to relate to each other as human beings as well as in prayer when we speak to God.

Do you remember you wedding vows? If you said the traditional ones you obviously remember them. If you write your own or spoke from your heart like I did, you also should remember them unless maybe you were extremely drunk in love and spoke out of euphoria.

Why am I referring you to your vows? It is to remind you and me the power words have over our marriages. You might have just gone to the magistrate office and signed as husband and wife or just got married traditionally, but I believe there was an exchange of words between you and your husband. You made positive and kind promises to each other. There were  no threats, no manipulative, criticising, whining or unkind words but beautiful words.

Whenever bad thoughts that bring bad words to your mouth come to your mind, remember the words you spoke kindly to your husband in the presence of your witnesses. Do not repeat the vows in anger and say: _"Ya  vele (yes of course), I said I will love you even in bad times just like now!!_  Remember your feelings and moods at the time you said them and choose to speak kindly to your husband.

Remember your vows, "Till death do us part", choose to speak words that give life and not words that kill or destroy. Keep your promises and keep your vows. Once again, if there is any animosity or any score to settle with your husband, take it to God. Not your mom, his mom or your friends. Otherwise you will be opening a door to other destructive words into your marriage. Speak to God. Spend time with Him. He will also teach you kind, powerful and positively effective words to speak to your husband and build your marriage.

A WOMAN OF PRAYER, A WOMAN OF WORSHIP AND POETRY FOR GOD

Since we celebrate Women in August here in South Africa, I  just decided now to honour women who make living for God worth it just by them living the word of God and sticking to the truth. Ever since I surrendered my life fully to God He keeps bringing people with excellent spirits and hearts after Him.

One of those ladies is Aus Anna Nkhoma, a woman of prayer and God's word. A big sister I found via Facebook though we fellowship at the same church but never met there before Facebook. Her Facebook profile has always been my most preferred because she never derails from the truth and she never focuses on self. In this same month in 2016, when hubby and I went into battle in prayer for our son, God told me to hook up with Aus Anna to go war with us. She never questioned nor doubted but put on her full armour and took all the necessary weapons and went ahead of us in battle together with her friend Aus Masesi Masilela (a woman who didn't  know me and I have never met because she lives overseas). 

I believe she(they) took the blow of August 2016 together with our Bishop for us that is why we were never emotionally or spiritually wounded. I know our second son knows her dearly. God bless her for the calls and voice notes of prayer and worship songs she composed and sent me daily when I was recovering ICU. 

Till this day whenever Aus Anna and I talk on  the phone we need to have uninterrupted 2 hours to chat because we have so much to talk about. We really owe each other a cup of coffee and about 5 hours minimum.  I actually believe our face-face chat would require a full day because we always have so much to talk about the on word of God, life and poetry.

Aus Anna neh...is one of those people who gave up the comfort of a high paying job to do something for the benefit of others. She is the modern version of Mother Theresa in my view. Together with other partners  she started a non-profit organisation that works with young people helping them with their studies to enable them to reach their potential in their studies, help them apply for bursaries towards their tertiary education . 

This gold hearted woman of God is a mother to many young people and a biological mom to one beautiful, intelligent, smart and beautiful young lady she named Kelello. I hope Kelello is aware of the wealth she has in her mother. 

One of the other things I love about Aus Anna is that she is never too busy, or lazy or shy to tell people about and lead them to Christ. In all her encounters none of these strangers she meets have ever refused to listen to her nor refuse to accept Christ. I have never told her this but I truly love and appreciate this woman of God. I pray for her to have a long and prosperous life so she can get to see the fruits of what she works for daily. I also pray that may God grant her heart's desires which we always talk about and the ones she has never told me about.

Aus- actually written as Ausi is a Sotho word for sister. We use the word in our culture to show respect and honour  to a lady who is older but not old.

Are You Building Up Or Tearing Down Your House With Your Words?

Do you know your words can build or tear down your marriage? You obviously know the scripture that says: "Death and life lies in the power of the tongue and those who love it, eat the fruits thereof. "

So dear wives one of the ways to Divorce-proof your marriage is by watching your words, avoiding certain words and speaking necessary, life-giving words to your husband. Avoid words that are full of complaints, blame, judgement and belittling.

Words or phrases like: "You never"; "You always"; "You never listen to me"; "You don't understand me"; "You don't care about me"; "You are selfish"; "You don't appreciate";_ et cetera. There are many of them which I believe come to your mind as you read these ones. By using "always/never" in your sentences you are telling him you don’t have faith in him that he can change. This will not only discourage him, but make him feel less motivated to try! You then wonder later why he does not like being home.

There are better ways to convey your message through a better choice of your words and your tone. For example, instead of blurting out: "You are always chatting on your phone."_ Rather say: “I would really like to talk to you now, it would be great if you could put your phone now”._ If it does become a reoccurring situation we could use words like “often” or “frequently” to soften the tone.

The one word you should never ever utter no matter what, is the notorious D word. Never ever say: "Let's get a divorce." You are not a teenager in a dating relationship in which you react by breaking up. You must never throw that word around just to try and manipulate your husband into doing what you want or as a threat just to hurt him. That is an evil way to get your way. Manipulation and threats are of Satan and divorce is his pleasure. Choose to be kind, calm and choose your words. Rather go to God afterwards and cry to Him.

Who knows? Maybe you might find out you are the one who needs to change. Maybe your husband's behaviour is due to something you do/say or don't do/say so only God can reveal that to you.

Speak words that  build your marriage not tear it down. Say words like "Thank you"; "I appreciate you"; "I appreciate when you"; "I love you"; "I respect you"; "I am sorry"; "You are the best." Say words you would love to hear being said to you. As the saying goes: _"What you put in is what you get out."_ And scripture says: "Give it shall be given to you."

BE IN AGREEMENT AS A COUPLE

Picture from https://biblicalproof.wordpress.com

Amos 3:3 says: _"How can two walk together if they are not in agreement."_ Apply this to marriage: "How can husband and wife live peaceably if they are not in agreement?"

We live in an information age where we learn new behaviours, how to do things and sometimes even how to run our homes (marriages). Some of us might have been single for a long time and have acquired independence and making decisions on our own. Some marry young and are still attached to their moms' apron strings that they still discuss their ideas with their moms who will then approve, disapprove or influence otherwise. Now this way of thinking and making decisions does not work in marriage.

The word of God tells us we ought to leave (our parents) and cleave (become one flesh) to our spouses. Becoming one flesh does not only refer to being one sexually as a married couple but refers to us as individuals coming together as whole beings spiritually, mentally and emotionally into one.

Decision Making

God set the husband as the head of his wife and his family (Ephesians 5:23). Being the head means being the decision-maker. However just like in a company, the CEO is the one who makes the last decision but his decisions will be influenced by those he leads by them making him see the picture of what they are suggesting. Let me make a simple example we take for granted. Decorating the house: It would bring more harmony if I as a wife suggest or enquire on my husband’s thoughts on the type or colour of curtains I would like us to buy.

We all know men do not talk much but if we would involve them in most decisions we would know how they feel. We might take things for granted saying: "Hai what does he know about curtains?!" and keep buying what only appeals to us and this way of decision-making will spread into every other thing in the home. The husband might just keep quiet and keep saving these behaviours to himself. This in turn will affect communication between the two of you and also creep in the intimacy connection. For some he might start being rude and throwing words rudely.

The more liberty born from ignorance of the head (husband)'s input will lead to liberty even in when is he going to have your body. Because you are not discussing some things your husband then creates a wall and might even be affected to wanting you sexually. You wonder why and how. Because you have demoted your husband from the head of the home to the child under you. This is where terms like "big baby" comes from. You are the one who made him a baby by not involving and discussing with him your plans, shopping (saying you are not spending his money but yours), changing of jobs or changing from housewife to a business woman, hiring a helper which means now his private space is affected without him ever being asked or agreeing to it, just to mention a few.

You might be feeling sexy in how you dress but does he feel OK about it? Do you ask him what he thinks of your tight-fitting dress or cleavage out when you go out or to work? Do you plan your weekends alone by making plans with your girls or mom before considering him and asking him what you can do together? Then we wonder when our husbands start living on an island inside our own homes. He ends up preferring to read, be on the computer or watch sports if he is not an extrovert or for the extrovert to always be out until late.

Application: Dear Women of God, this scripture gives us a basis of how to live in harmony. Be in agreement as a couple. You have been called to be his helper. Help him to see things your way but not force it. If he says no to your suggestion let it be no and not go tell your mother or friend who will say your husband knows nothing. Start everything in prayer. Invite the Holy Spirit to be part of your planning meeting and ask Him to help you accept the response.

Prayer should actually be the first and most important foundation of your marriage. personally use this time to address some issues or suggest somethings in this time. So we pray first, share the word and before we pray in closing bring suggestions or issues to each other and God.

Picture from https://fairhaven.church/

Remember, marriage is partnership but the husband is the head in this partnership.

A Compliment Can Save A Life Or Change A Mind

We were created to appreciate compliments (no I'm not saying that's the reason God created us for. Please read further). As you know we were created in God's image (Genesis 1:27) and since God loves to be praised there is that inner desire in us to be praised. No, I don't mean praised as in being idolized and worshiped but actually being complemented in how we look or what we've done. Even babies enjoy compliments. Think about a baby learning to clap his hands, stand up, walk or any new skill they learn or achieve. They glow, get excited and smile at just hearing you say...."sisisi....good boy". I personally saw this with our son and till this day at the age of three he wants to be complimented for doing or saying something we taught him correctly.

It all started in the garden of Eden after God created man and gave him authority over everything He said:"It is good" (Genesis 1:27-31 ). Then after He created the woman out of the man's rib, the first words the woman heard was compliments out of the man's mouth (Genesis 2:22-). Every time I think of that first encounter I imagine if Adam was talking in isiZulu he would have said: "Dudlu mtwana. Thambo lam' e lifresh." LOL! (Refer to Genesis 2:22)

Ok bringing it back to the point of writing this, when I say ; "A Compliment Can Save A Life Or Change A Mind", we must learn to compliment each other as well as strangers. Some people come from homes where a compliment does not exist. All they hear is negative words about them. Some wake up alone at home and get to hear a nasty, jealous person (who also needs to be saved) telling them how ugly, fat, unattractive they are or not suited by what they are wearing. Or that kind of person criticize the work of their hands or smashes their dreams and aspirations.

I met a lady who was working as a cleaner at a hospital a year ago. I could not get over how beautiful she looked and how kind (attractive) her whole face was and how beautiful her skin was.  I saw her the couple of days we kept going to the unit she worked in, and as she was talking to us and comforting us (story for another day) the radience in her face moved something in me. I felt a nudge as if God was saying to me: "Tell her she is beautiful." I told her she looked beautiful and has the face and skin for modelling facial products. I even complimented how flawless her make up looked. She was so overjoyed and told her colleague saying: " Do you hear what she just said? Just after so-and-so told me I must change my make up it doesn't suit me!"

To cut the story as I was using it as an illustration, I have learnt that someone could be dying inside because of the negative they keep hearing from others about themselves. Self-talk alone doesn't work as some people are called "confident and self-motivated." We constantly need to hear that we look good, we did well, we are good at this and that in order to thrive.

This is why people turn to social media. No one can say "I hate it when I post my picture and people like it." Then don't post. It is human nature. Personally getting a compliment that "I look beautiful" from my mom means I really look "Hollywood screen gorgeous." LOL! I don't blame her and I'm used to her. But she does compliment what I do, what i am wearing, compliments my husband's personality and character oh but she goes on about our son's looks and intelligence. LOL! I suppose my mom grew up with the belief of "Don't tell your child they are beautiful otherwise they won't sleep at home. LOL! But really with this point I'm trying to show how compliments are rare from home.

How can a compliment change a mind or save a life you ask as per my heading? Someone could be continuously hearing how unattractive, fat, stupid or anything else most of their lives. Some live up to that because they heard it so much they believe it. Try it with someone you know. You know that frumpy-looking, lazy-walking, I-don't-care kind of person. He or she is probably in your office, the bus you ride or lives on your street. Find something nice to say to them and see the change happen to them. It took words from God in the beginning to change what was there. He said to the dark, formless world "Let the be light" (Genesis 1:3). Words change the atmosphere and change people. Words make a plant grow or die. Words, beautiful words make things beautiful.

It took me gaining weight from pregnancy to hear how cruel people can be. As if you don't have a mirror they employ themselves into that position to tell you "Shoo ha usanonanga"(means you've gained so much weight). It was disheartening and irritating but thanks be to God I know who I am and that my soul is far worth than the vessel it is carrying. No not giving in to lazyness and doing nothing. I did loose the weight in a good way. And thanking my husband for always telling me I look beautiful.

Which that brings me to married people. Never cease telling your wife she is beautiful. Your words are the water and food that will keep her blossoming like a beautiful flower. Wives, you too must never cease telling him he looks good, he did well, you appreciate his efforts (yeah men appreciate the efforts of her cooking and cleaning as well). May neither of your spouse hear that from the opposite sex who is not you. May it be by the time they hear it outside, they are already blooming from your words that those other words are just wind.
The same goes with your children. Do not wait for them to be teenagers and looking like young women or men. They won't believe you by then, instead they will believe strangers who always told them when you didn't. Children need their parents to believe in them, support them morally and compliment them. Be their number one cheerleader and fan If that happens to them peer pressure will be a rumour or wind to them.

To close this "was-not-supposed-to-be-so-long" write-up, if you are not so good or brave to share the Gospel (may God help you) tell people what God thinks of them.  He sees them as wonderfully and fearfully made (Psalm 139:14). He sees them as conquerors (Romans 8:38). He sees them as his beautiful workmanship(Ephesians 2:10). You know yourself that whatever you make with your hands, invent from your mind, plans and ideas you execute, are great, beautiful, wonderful in your eyes. Like every mother looks at her child and says they are beautiful. Be that mouthpiece of the Creator and compliment someone out three. Plant seeds of compliments and change lives. And hey as scripture says: "What you reap is what you sow." (Galatians 6:7) You will also get recognized and complimented for your looks and your works.

PS. For me compliments to others come naturally because in my daily prayer I ask God to teach me to see people the way that He sees them and never to judge them by the seeing of the natural eyes or hearing of the natural ear.